I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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