My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
