We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
