did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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