let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
