The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
