do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
