you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
