he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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