I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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