don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
