y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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