i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
