Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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