Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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