listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
