the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
