I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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