I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
