I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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