In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
