Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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