anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
