Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
