Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
