I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
