You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
