I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
