But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
