i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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