just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
