Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
