my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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