when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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