he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
