trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
