The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
