I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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