Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
