gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
