i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
