he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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