Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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