If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
