i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
