Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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