i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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