I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
