Dude my mom stole all your condoms
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
