your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You made out with two different species that night
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
