Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
